Gripe Sheet from Qantas

These types of lists float around the web on a regular basis - still make me smile.

> After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form,
> called a "Gripe Sheet,” which tells mechanics about
> problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the
> problems; document their repairs on the form, and then
> pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
>
>
> Quantas is the only major airline that has never had
> an accident.
>
> But never let it be said that Quantas ground crews
> lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual
> maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots
> (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded by
> maintenance engineers (marked with an S).
>
>
>
> P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
> S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
>
> P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
> S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
>
> P: Something loose in cockpit.
> S: Something tightened in cockpit.
>
> P: Dead bugs on windshield.
> S: Live bugs on back-order.
>
> P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet
> per minute descent.
> S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
>
> P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
> S: Evidence removed.
>
> P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
> S: DME volume set to more believable level.
>
> P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
> S: That's what they're for.
>
> P: IFF inoperative.
> S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
>
> P: Suspected crack in windshield.
> S: Suspect you're right.
>
> P: Number 3 engine missing.
> S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
>
> P: Aircraft handles funny.
> S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be
> serious.
>
> P: Target radar hums.
> S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
>
> P: Mouse in cockpit.
> S: Cat installed.
>
> P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds
> like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
> S: Took hammer away from midget.